The Wedding! (not royal, but close :)

Today marks the start of a new regime for me.  This morning I put all six of my children on the bus to head to public school.  I mosied over and greeted my new cows and goat and then headed inside to my very quiet house.  It was a little weird, the happy dance was somewhat constrained because I pulled something in my abdomen and it hurts to twist and shout!  I love my children and I love having them around me, however, this is the first time in 15 years that I've had hours to call my own on a regular basis...crazy!

I immediately began my hours of freedom with a nap!  I spent the last week at my sister's preparing for her daughter's wedding.  It was a tremendous success and they did get married in the end!  Seriously, it was a lot of work and it was worth every minute of it.  Posting some pictures of the big day a little further down...

So now it is time to figure out what all needs to get done and start doing it....beginning with reclaiming my house.  Not just cleaning up from the huge load we dumped in the kitchen and laundry room from the camper, but going through stuff, organizing, sorting and throwing things away...this is my plan for this fall.  Before I can do too much of that the corn, tomatoes, onions, potatoes, apples and carrots need to be dealt with.  My head is starting to hurt so I'll skip right to the pictures...

She was stunning in that dress riding in with her daddy on the horses, Chief and Digger.

Tami-Lynn could not stop grinning!

Steven was slightly more subdued but there was a lot of giggling up there.  He's a fine young man.

Making it official with the same pen that Tami-Lynn's mom and dad used 30 years ago.

Husband and wife!

Another of my lovely nieces, Tonja.

Lizzy was one of the flowergirls, at this point, her cousin was crying so hard I didn't think I should take a picture of her.

My nephew, Terrell, with the ring-cows.

It's official!

Such a stunning bouquet

The bridesmaids' flowers.

I was decorator in chief for the event so I'll try to get some more pictures of those later.  Gotta go finish cleaning up the kitchen.  Back to real life, well, at least MY real life.

The Dress Project - part 3 (final)

All my sewing for the wedding is officially done as far as I know.  The dress turned out better than I hoped it would and looks great, I think.  So here are some pictures of the projects!

Abby's skirt that we decided to make yesterday!  She loves it, which is the real accomplishment, I hope she actually wears it!

It's all in the details.  Since the fabric is matte, it needed a little pizazz.  And another heart-attack at the end of the process as I discovered I'd caught the hem in the serger, no holes!! thank the Lord for small mercies.  I also love my new serger that helped give this little number such a nice finish both inside and on the waistband with a coverstitch.

Sam's shirt.  My first go at making a shirt for my boys.

My well-dressed bunch!

Lizzy's flowergirl dress, also made by me.

Here it is!  my new dress, it fits perfectly.  What do you think?

Lizzy wanted to take a picture, too!

The Dress Project - part 2

Don't have a picture yet but today was certainly productive on the dress front...and back...and sides..hee hee.  The boys' shirts are finished and they look great although my plaids did not match and I managed to pick up very dark green buttons rather than black ones, but they went on anyways because I don't think anyone will be looking quite that closely!

Then after I made the lovely black and white plaid shirt for my honey-blonde, brown skinned boy I was doing some research on color/season stuff and realized it is not a great combo for him at all, he would have been much better in a brown/green plaid like the one I made for his flaxen-haired brother!  Oh well, he's going to wear it anyway and he loves it.

I almost sidetracked myself and started a skirt for Abby, actually I did cut it out and began sewing it this evening but I think my needle was too dull and ended up with some trouble, so I decided to stop and go to bed before I did irreparable damage!  Things were going along quite nicely there as I was having her serge seams while I was hemming the ruffles.

The Dress...
It actually went together pretty easily for so many pieces, it was pretty straight forward and I didn't run into any huge problems or seam ripping.  I almost had a heart-attack when I was serging a sideseam for the underskirt and caught fabric in the seam - that would have been a major gaff, but fortunately it didn't create a whole just a little seam-ripping.  PHEW!!!

Because everything was going so well I even attempted french seams on the sheer overlay fabric, a nice finish I must say.  I was inspired by a class I'm taking at Craftsy.com (Sewing Studio with Dianne Rupp).  You might even want to check some of their courses out, I'm hooked.  A professional teacher I can go back to again and again anytime I want.  Their prices are reasonable but I actually got mine for free on a great promotion.  The kids are enjoying the class, too.  I'd like to spend more time on it, perhaps after school starts, I really want to learn how to do invisible zippers.

Everything is done but the hand-sewing.  I just have to tack down all the lining and she is complete!  Then I will show you pictures and hopefully I will love it and it will look fabulous.  I'm a little concerned that in the end it will look like it should be worn by a 19 year old instead of a 42 year old woman.  The kids have been watching my DVDs of "What Not To Wear" and they are very big on being 'age-appropriate' in your wardrobe.  I've been sensitized, I hope that I haven't gone to alot of trouble for nothing.

The Dress Project - part 1

I'm going to attempt to sew this dress for myself for my niece's wedding.  I have not done anything quite this 'fancy' ever, so we'll see how it goes.  I've also never documented a project from start to finish, so I thought I might have some fun with this.  I don't know if you can really see the color very well but it is olive green and I love it.  I got an excellent deal on it.  It was buy one metre and get 3 free, so I got 4 m for $10!!  The overlay chiffon got pulled off the discount wall for about $3/m.  So even if it's an epic fail I haven't put alot of cash into this project.  Time, however, we'll see how expensive it is in time.

Several hours later all my pieces are cut....that was a LOT of cutting.  Besides the quilts I've made which take hundreds of pieces I don't think I've ever had to cut that many for one project!  Some pieces had to be cut out of three different things...crazy! 

Okay, first I'm going to finish off Sam's shirt.  My first attempt at doing something in a plaid, I failed at getting the plaids to match in front but otherwise it fits him and looks sharp.  Need to hem and do buttons/buttonholes - hopefully that won't be too painful!  Oh yes, and the same for Sasha's shirt, mom sewed it, but I need to do the buttons/buttonholes.

First, first...make some lunch......then on with the show!  I have high hopes for this dress, if it doesn't work out, I'll have to pull an old dress out of the closet, not the end of the world, but close! :)

Reasons I Love My Bosch

1.  bread dough
2.  cookie dough
3.  cupcake
4.  pizza dough
5.  meatballs
6.  chopping and grating stuff for pizza
7.  french fries
8.  hamburgers
9.  buns
10.  muffins
11.  loaves
12.  smoothies

Yes, I love my Bosch, not sure how I would live and cook without it!

A Letter to my Son on His Birthday (1131)

Dear Christopher,

Today you turn 13 years old, leaving childhood behind and entering the uncertain years of hormones and high school.  So much will be changing for you in the next while as you grow and develop.  Your life hasn't been an easy one.  My prayer for you is that your difficulties will not define you but rather the moments of break-through and success.
You did not enter our family through biological means but through God's grace.  He chose you for us and saved you from a life of poverty, loss and pain.  While we have faced those same issues as a family you haven't had to do it alone, you've been in the warmth and safety of our love.  We've walked some very difficult streets with you and will continue to do so as you struggle to learn how to develop self-control and dependance on the Lord.
I pray that you will continually submit yourself to His glorious grace and mercy and that you will use all of the strength in you to reach for Him.  You have it you know, strength, determination and courage.  You've come so far and learned so much and yet there is a long way to go.
When we moved here you could only read about 5 words and now you can read well.  You're figuring out ways to overcome that learning disability and find out the things you want to know.
You are good at sports, even though you expect more from yourself than anyone else does.
You are funny and dramatic and have a quick wit.
You have the most endearing smile and a beautiful generous spirit.  Do you remember when we walked over to Pastor Terry's late at night because you felt so strongly that you needed to give the fifty-two cents you had in your pocket.  He told us later that your actions were a huge encouragement to him in a very difficult time.  God worked through you.
I pray that you will continue to let Him work through you.  That you will continue to develop a heart and mind to hear him and obey.
You are more compassionate than you let on.  When Abby fainted you almost lost it, it showed me how much you really love your sister.  I love that.
You've got a great sense of style, you love to look good and it shows in how you dress.  My prayer is that you wouldn't let concern for how you appear on the outside over-rule what needs to be dressed on the inside.  Be a Godly man Chris - pursue Jesus with all your heart, then, no matter what you wear, you will be well-dressed.
You're an excellent athlete.  Sometimes you let your competitive side get the better of you, let it guide you into becoming better at those skills.  Don't give up when someone else wins, let it stoke the fire to practice and get better so that next time you might be the winner, but don't let winning be the goal, let being the best you can be be the guide.
I can't express in words how much I love you and how proud I am to be your mom.  I know I'm not perfect and neither are you and I apologize for all the times where I've expected you to be.  You are an amazing creation of God.  Today on your birthday I want the world to know!

I love you,
Mom

1099.  for the doctor that watched your mom carefully during her pregnancy

1100.  for the surgeon who delivered you with careful hands so that no blood passed between you and her

1101.  for the aunties who decided someone else needed to love you and raise you

1102. grandpa and grandma saying yes to you

1103.  when our hearts said yes to you, I'd rather be your mom than your sister :)

1104.  the wrenching day we had to give you away

1105.  the glorious day we received you back, knowing beyond a doubt that God had destined you for us

1106.  all the holes and broken windows that have driven us to our knees on your behalf

1107.  Otto D., for holding you in the foyer countless hours when you couldn't sit through church

1108.  our church family who has prayed for you all these years

1109.  our families for extending their hearts to you

1110.  God sparing your life

1111.  your heart-stopping smile

1112.  silky black hair

1113.  chocolate eyes

1114.  the dusting of freckles on your nose

1115.  the way you sing when you're feeling safe and loved

1116.  your friendship with E.J., I love how you 'get' each other and always have

1117.  your love of cooking

1118.  the way you work with the animals

1119.  the way you are with your little cousins

1120.  your boundless energy

1121.  all the reports I get from school about how hard you work

1122.  the brilliant way you fooled your grade 1 teacher into believing you could read

1123.  your skill on the ball diamond

1124.  watching you run 

1125.  your accuracy when you throw, even with one bad eye

1126.  generosity

1127.  the way you love your blankets that grandma and I have made for you

1128.  your Huckleberry Finn skills

1130.  you still cuddle with me and hold my hand

1131.  you, I'm thankful for you and the tremendous gift you are

catching up

I must apologize to anyone who actually checks here regularly.  I've been away for the last few weeks doing various things and this has been rather low on the priority list!  I have lots of things to be thankful for even though I am battling a nasty head cold...in August...that sucks!

1080.  We started harvest this week.
1081.  There is the potential for one very amazing canola crop
1082.  My friend took my favorite shoes to a repairman to get them fixed after they broke on me last week and now they'll be good as new!
1083.  I cooked at the Bible camp where my kids attend this last week with a few girlfriends and my daughter, we had a blast.  I never thought cooking could actually be fun!
1084.  We have pigs on our farm.
1085.  I spoke at our Ladies Time Out (actually I took on the responsibility of planning the event this year) and it all went really well
1086.  I love Job's wife...she became the inspiration for a monologue that was really powerful and she just might become a book....
1087.  I got my school supply shopping done
1088.  My kids got to take swimming lessons from a family friend and it was good.
1089.  I'm anticipating this next year with excitement.  I'm taking a sabbatical from home-schooling and have all six kids in school (Lizzy is in Kindergarten so she'll be home every other day).  I have some plans that might actually come to fruition...I've never had this level of time to myself since my son was born 15 years ago.  I'm afraid I'm just a little giddy.
1090.  Driving home after being away is such a gift!
1091.  Learning a new game was pretty fun this last week.
1092.  All the counselors and staff at camp are so amazing to give up their summers to care and minister to our kids - what a blessing they all are.
1093.  Just got an early birthday present from my MIL a Creative Memories Border System.  I can't wait to try it!
1094.  Watching my kids enjoy camp.
1095.  Seeing the rest of my family after being away for a week!
1096.  Daily hugs from my boys at camp.
1097.  Cooking for 8 instead of 140! :)
1098.  I love it that I get to celebrate my birthday in a week or so...I love having a birthday.

Beauty and the Pig

I had to repost this because it seemed like a good thing to do! 
Beauty and the Pig
copyright 2006, lani wiens
a fresh flowers original

While my kids are playing with frogs in the back yard and the baby is sleeping I will quickly write!! My dear friend and fellow mommy of many, Krista, brought over the most delightful book in response to my last flower. The Three Little Wolves and the Big Bad Pig. It is a farcical take off of the original Three Little Pigs. It is very funny, we had a good guffaw or two over that bad boy I must say.

The story begins much like the pigs except the wolves are out building themselves houses out of brick, concrete and armor plating. The big bad pig whips out his sledgehammer, pneumatic drill and a wee bit o' dynamite in order to take care of their dwelling places when huffing and puffing prove ineffective. As the little wolves run with teapot in hand from the antics of the pig they realize that they need to review their use of building materials. So they take an out-there approach and build a house of flowers! (yes I particularly liked that bit - though my allergies would never let me live in such a dwelling it sounded beautiful). When the pig comes along and takes his big huffy breath he catches the scent and his hard heart is melted by the beauty he takes in. He is so enthralled he begins to sing and dance the tarentella - his heart is truly transformed, transformed to the point that the pig and the wolves take up residency together and live happily ever after.

I'm only going to point out the obvious. The big bad pig's heart was changed by an encounter with beauty. I have also been reading the book, Captivating by John and Stasi Eldridge. This book looks at the secrets of a woman's soul, her inherent, unveiling beauty that captures the heart of those who see it and are profoundly changed.

One of the paths that God has led me on in the last 10 years is this pursuit and understanding of beauty. I love to bring beauty into my home, to gaze on it, to surround myself in it whenever I can. I love holding my new baby girl and see the beauty that rests in her, I love seeing my older daughter's delightful smile that lights up her eyes and sets them to sparkling. I gaze into my husband's heart and see the beauty of the Father's love overflow into everything he does. To listen to my little boys pray and thank the Father for what he is about to do brings joy to my heart. To watch my older boys have compassion on little frogs with broken legs. To bring fabrics together and see patterns emerge through the blending of things that may seem incongruous to the casual observer. To clean out the flower bed so that the plants can be seen and breathe on their own and then plan for pansies to add their little faces to the mix....ahh the things of beauty.

Beauty can soften the hardest of hearts. Why do you think God created flowers, birds, music, cats, and colors. I read somewhere that beauty exists to fill in the trenches created by pain.

Today I encourage you to enjoy beauty, create beauty, bring home something that has no other value than to simply be a feast for your senses. I think I will put on some classical music as I work this morning and stop once again to look at my baby girl. I will go and run my hands over that heavy silk/rayon Chinese bit of cloth I bought the other day - it has embroidered butterflies on a blood red background, I took some of that extravagant cloth and made it into a pincushion of all things - completely decadent! I may throw some shimmering purple organza onto the walls of my bedroom. Maybe I'll finish sewing my pretty pajamas that I started the other day or read something particularly delightful. I want my heart to stay soft and perhaps one day the beauty that God is creating in me and through me will soften some big bad pig's heart.

have a beauty-filled day

Lani, the flowerlady

ps I would love to hear about what beautiful thing you did or came across, it would greatly encourage me

antithesis

If you haven't read the previous post stop and do so now.

Thank you.

Yesterday was the antithesis of Wednesday.  Wednesday was all shrouded in glory and grace and I came home with a heart so full and managed the little mini-meltdown that occurred when the rejection button got hit and I went to bed joy-filled and content.

Thursday couldn't have been more different.  The good news is that perhaps the severe attack means that we're on the right track and took a little ground on Wednesday that the enemy wanted back on Thursday.  My son, who was sweet and co-operative and enjoying the company of his brother on Wednesday decided it was time to torment, bully and beat his brother on Thursday.  By noon there had been no younger sibling that hadn't been bullied or hurt.  It was time for a break and so off he went to hang with grandma and let me put the shattered emotions back together.

This is the part of the thankful life that I really don't know how to do.  It says to give thanks in ALL circumstances but I honestly don't know how to be thankful for a kid running through the house with scissors with a maniacal grin on his face.  I don't know how to be thankful for a little boy crying because his mouth is bleeding where he got hit with a flying toy.

I can be thankful for the grace to NOT lose it in the midst of the fight.  I can be thankful that grandma was available to keep him for awhile.  I can be thankful that Kelly wasn't too far from home and could intervene quickly.  I can be thankful that the damage was minimal this time.  I can be thankful that he went without a fight this time.  and I can be thankful that he wanted to come home in the end even though we didn't let him.

I can be thankful for those things but that isn't the circumstance.  Is there a difference between being thankful IN the circumstance versus being thankful FOR the circumstance?  The bread of the now was so sweet and fresh on Wednesday, it was stale and moldy on Thursday and yet I must eat the bread and drink the cup that was bitter because this is the journey and the Word says it will ALL work together for good because I am His and I am called to THIS.  This mess, this glory, this circumstance for today.

I remember a friend writing me words of encouragement who knows a similar journey and she said, who knew that taking up that cross would hurt so much.  We expect only beauty and only easy and yet the Word says, "In this world you WILL have trouble, but take heart I have overcome the world."  and "WHEN you encounter trouble...it will produce character."  Character is being birthed in me, I pray it is good and godly, that my responses and reactions are ones that please the character creator.  I obviously need a lot of work on character *grin*. 

Being the Blessing is the Blessing

It is late, my eyelids droop, my rear is tired from driving for the last few days...but I must write because of the day it has been all glory and joy and blessings.

I got to be the blessing today and it felt amazing.  Allowing a little of the blanket to drop away and allow Him to walk and talk through me...so refreshing, mesmerizing even.  Watching myself speak words of life to this beautiful girl in the lovely store 'The Paper Umbrella'.  She so full of questions and listening to answers and as we leave she tells us how we have blessed her this day.  I answered her questions, fully engaged in being right where I was, purchasing little notebooks to go with Ann's book to give away as the Lord leads me to give them.  As we left the store we reveled in pretty teapots and went in to the next store and delighted in the pretty pots and lovely teas.  We laughed with the storekeeper there, too.  As we walked back to where we began I felt the nudge to go back and give Teresa my Ann book, which I had along, nudge her to the cross, to the real source of answers and faith and how to bring up boys.  And we did!  I wrote a little note and tucked my card inside and we snuck back into the store later that day and gave it to her.  What joy to give!  What joy to start someone else on a road to thanksgiving.

My cell phone rings, my concerned husband tells me to take the long way home, the storm will hit the ferry at the same time I want to cross.  So we take the long way and I tour the boys around my old college stomping grounds and take them for a special drink at the same restaurant where I sipped tea and ate cinnamon buns as a student in another time.  Helen starts to chat with me.  She tells me how the struggle to adjust to our country from her beloved UK has been difficult, I see the loneliness there.  She talks to me of parenting her teenage boy and we connect hearts over the mixing of a chai latte.  I feel that nudge again, give her your card, let yourself be known, invite her in, you know the pain of being uprooted, of changing your whole life, be a friend if she'll have you.  And I do, I give her the card my husband made up for me for this reason, to let people know me...


As we drive through our familiar hills we see them shrouded in mist and I direct the boys to attention, to see the beauty around it, they gasp at the wonder and the toys fall from their fingers as they are mesmerized by cloud lying on land.  We drive through with a whoosh and watch the clouds, all beauty.  We talk about how lovely our day was and I hear the gentle contentment in his voice, this one who always says no and that nothing is good, at peace with himself for the moment.  What bliss to hear that, such a rare and precious gift that shatters the moment we get home.  Because I am so full of Him I can speak gently and we restore the peace, he steals one of the little notebooks and I tell him he can have it, there is no need to steal and he begins a list of 1000 things, he wants to fill up the first page and we sit on the floor and I help him spell the words that he wants to write, this almost boy who doesn't want to grow up but does so just a little as I watch.  And the other boy that was along today who helped give the gift takes his little notebook and begins, too, to say thanks for the gifts of grace today.  All is at peace in my home and I am so full it spills out in words and salty trails.

This has been a day of letting myself speak to strangers, of being interested in people, of stepping out among the people and letting them see me rather than passing by and not stopping.  A day of really choosing to see and hear and being all there.  Perhaps the winter is finally passing...when you do it to the least of these, you do it to me...give and it will be given to you, pressed down and running over...

and

how pleasant it is when brothers dwell together in unity...

(1080 - 1095)
-the two who fight most, choosing to love each other today
-hills shrouded in mist
- passing by the storm rather than through it
- Helen at Caronport
- Teresa at the paper umbrella
-Teresa at the Caring Place
- little notebooks with the beginning of 1000 gifts begun
- sitting on the floor counting gifts
- watching repentance and forgiveness truly happen
- hearing him say he had a good day
- pretty tea pots
- new teas to try
- oldest and youngest brothers carrying out the plan they've had all week, inside rather than out, but together...and happy
- the middle two jealous at first, then forming their own plan to be together
- young man stopping to say hi in the mall, just because

Sunday evening thankfulness (1059-1079)

Today I took my oldest daughter and her friend to camp.  It was a very quiet ride as they read books most of the way.  A lovely time to be alone with my thoughts.  After I got them squared away I took off by myself for awhile to read, write and pray, stopped to take some pictures on the way home and refreshed my spirit.

Thankful for:

(1059 - 1079)

a camp director who blesses tired moms with prayer and a nice parking spot at the top of the hill

the camp administrator that got the friends into the right cabin after a mix up

my daughter committing to help her friends get to camp

quiet parks

words on pages

Beth Moore books

mosquito repellent

supper out with good friends - 12 kids at home between us, so sweet to go out

my wonderful husband, he had fun test-driving trucks and golfing, such a sweet gift for a hard-working guy

fun at the pool with the kids

my sweet miss, picking flowers for her mama

she's so happy to have finished this project, she did a good job, a sweet gift to share the love of sewing and fabric with my kids

the flowers little miss picked ended up in this little vase on my bedside table

girls settling into camp, such a gift for children everywhere

a quiet house, speaking volumes

the Mr. looking out over his domain

red barns

perfect reflections

stooked bales, don't see these very often anymore, speaks to me of simpler days

Join the community of Thankfulness

the hardest person to forgive

I can hear the weight of it in his voice as he tells me they have to keep going because of his mistake...they can't stop for supper.

I see the weight of it sitting on my boy's shoulders, the guilt and shame of his exposed sin bending his shoulders over.

I feel it in my chest when the counselor says, "But can you forgive yourself?"

When she first told me how hard it would be to forgive myself I had a little chuckle inside.  How hard could that be after all.  It was hard to forgive the ones who wronged me.  Certainly forgiving myself couldn't be as hard as all that was, but the words stuck in my throat and didn't want to come out.  The hung on to my soul with clutching fingers, begging to stay where they were.  After a long time I finally got those words out, "I forgive myself, I own my part of this sin and I let it go...forgiven by the blood of the Lamb."

And the freedom that came was amazing, different than forgiving someone else this process of letting the sin go.  I can't be tied to it anymore once I forgive myself, it can't come back to haunt me anymore.  Neither can I hide behind guilt or shame when I have forgiven myself, sometimes that feels like a safe place, a good excuse to not do.

What do you need to forgive yourself for today?  Yelling at the kids? Lying? Cheating? Stealing?  Dropping the ball?  Letting information slip that was confidential?  An unkind word?  Whatever it is, how ever big it is, God is bigger and is more than willing to help you walk free.  Take a step today.

Marg's Cheesy Chicken

It's time to get the wheels of this blog rolling again and what better way than with an amazing chicken recipe from a dear lady!  The recipe is for the oven, however, since it was so hot this week, I stuck it in a crock pot on my deck (out of reach of the dogs) and it did pretty well - the only changes I made were that I didn't pre-cook the vegetables (I used both broccoli and asparagus because I didn't have enough of either one for the amount of people I was serving - it worked just fine) and it was juicier than the oven version, but that makes it into really nice gravy!

Saute chicken breasts in a little oil with some pepper.  (I added lemon pepper and some lemon-oregano grilling sauce to add to the lemony flavour)

steam 1 bunch of broccoli or asparagus

Mix together:
1 can cream of chicken soup (or mushroom)
1/2 cup mayo
1 tsp curry powder
1 tsp lemon juice

Layer in casserole dish:

chicken, broccoli/asparagus, sauce and then sprinkle 1 cup of grated cheese on top (I like old for more zip)

Bake at 375 for 35-45 minutes.

Enjoy with oven roast potatoes (you can do those on the BBQ) and a fresh green salad with oil and vinegar dressing, we threw some stuffing on the side as well and you've got a wonderful feast to impress the family!

Enjoy

not the Sunday we expected

Today did not go as we planned.  We woke up this morning and got ready to head into worship team practice.  Got the six kids out the door with everyone actually having eaten at least something before we left.  Got through practice and most of Sunday School when the word came...a little boy is missing at the lake we need searchers.  More than half the church left to join the search and the rest of us stayed to pray, worship the God who is in charge and to remind ourselves to give thanks even in the dark times.



Instead of having the birthday party we planned for today, we made sandwiches and brewed coffee to send to the searchers.  And we waited for news, tried to distract the kids who don't know what to do with the trauma of their buddy having disappeared.  We were going to have a picnic at the lake today and play ball, they're disappointed that this isn't happening just as much they are disappointed their friend is in trouble.  Their young minds don't differentiate between the two.

And we waited.

Finally, my husband drives up with two of the kids who were searching, bedraggled, tired, cold and hurting both in body and spirit....there is still no news.

We make supper...and wait.

Let the birthday boys open their presents in a very unenthusiastic party atmosphere.  It's time to head home, get the little ones to sleep, try to help the older ones study for exams tomorrow.  Tired brains are not taking in any information, they finally go to bed with prayers and kisses...still hoping for good news.

And we waited.

Finally the call comes and it isn't what we hoped for.  This little soul is no longer with this world.  In the morning I have to tell them their friend is dead.  We are supposed to go on a field trip tomorrow, there are supposed to be exams and learning and fun tomorrow and the rest of the week because summer is finally here.  But we are silent and wondering how our life gets to keep going when this one has stopped.

Where do we find the beautiful in all this ugly.  All I can think of is a Sunday morning a long time ago when some women went to the tomb where their friend was buried...but he was gone and they saw the glory of the resurrection.  I know where this little lamb is.  Last year he gave his heart to Jesus during VBS, I got to give him his first Bible, he was so excited.  Now he gets to live it and breathe it and touch it.

Lord, help us with all this...

rambling thoughts

It's been quite a day today.  This morning I decided I better go plant the last flowerbed.  I had a few bedding plants left over from the containers that I couldn't put out because it started raining on me.  So I worked up that bed, pulled out all the grass and planted them.  I'm all done, I thought!

So I moved on to weeding around my cucumbers and mulching them, hoed around the potatoes and pulled out weeds along the stone stairs. Found the first strawberries of the season!  What a lovely gift for today! Definitely time for lunch.  While I'm making lunch I hear the sound of the small tractor right outside the window.  The farmer/shepherd comes in and tells me that he has roto-tilled the other flowerbed (the one I was going to leave to the dogs) and that maybe I should fill it up with something.  One more trip to the flower shop was in the near future.

Got that one planted and had a few plants left over so I weeded out another flowerbed I wasn't going to bother with and planted them in there.  Still had some left so I threw a few flowers into the vegetable garden.  I think I am really and truly done the planting now...I hope!

If you haven't noticed by now, I have a LOT of dirt in my yard to fill up.  My MIL was an amazing gardener and filled up all these flower beds each and every year and tended them with loving care and the yard always looked superb.  I am not so good as she!  I've been slowly filling some of them up with perennials.  I'm learning that if I want to transform my yard into something beautiful I'm going to have to work at it.  Yes, I realize that this should not be a startling revelation, but to a citified inside type of girl it's a bit of a stunner.  So this year I'm going to attempt to do the work of tending my yard...outside....

The little boys helped me plant the flowerbed and wanted to put little signs up so that everyone would know that these were 'their' flowers.  Sasha got a little piece of cardboard and wrote "Sasha's Flowers" on it and pinned it to the ground with a straight pin!  How cute is that?  Lady-in-Waiting found a nest in the old barbeque with tiny red eggs in it, I have no idea what kind of bird they are from, but they are so perfect and like nothing I've ever seen before!

*the yellow dot is the pin

Then we hiked it into town for the Rookie baseball wind-up.  Had fun playing ball with the kids, came home and finished up the rest of the planting, put some kids to bed, at least the ones that weren't scared of the thunder and lightning show.  Then I got to pull out some crafty stuff and made up a sample of one of the crafts we're going to offer at the Ladies Time Out this summer.  We're using recycled materials to make pretty things!  I think it should be fun...

 "Cookie Sheet Magnetic Noteboard"

rambled gifts of grace for today...
(1027 - 1058)

little boy helpers

signposts pinned to the ground

baseball

banana bread

enormous lilies

tight red rose buds

flats of flowers

pink roses blooming

the promise of peonies

editing the big boy's paper on the Etruscan's

helping boy#3 learn grace

fresh sheets off the line

snowy white linens

pots of flowers

reclaiming a lost flowerbed

the first strawberries of the season, sun-warmed and sweet

running into a friend on main street

craftiness

the bigness of thunder

the sound of rain in the dark

tiny red eggs

gazing on something you've never beheld before

brother and sister comforting each other in their fear

campouts in the living room in the middle of the storm

quiet moments around the table, hands busy creating

little girl giggles in the sprinkler

piles of weeds no longer in the ground

freshly roto-tilled earth

flower containers overflowing with beauty

knowing 'your best friend in the whole world' thinks the same of you

bedtime prayers

transforming revelation

Sometimes Truth is a Bossy Big Sister

I love my big sister, I really do, but have you ever noticed that older sisters tend to be just a little on the bossy side.  I know I had to remind my older sister that she wasn't my mother on several occasions.  There was only one problem with her telling me what to do, usually it was because my mother had given her the instructions and she was the relay medium.  Then there is the smallish fact that she is older and wiser, supposedly.  If I knew what was good for me I would listen to her otherwise I caught it from mom when she got home from work.

Now I am raising my very own older sister, not my own sister, but one that exists as a girl that is older than her brothers...you get what I mean.  So the other day I had given instructions to my children that they were to go to their aunt's house after school UNLESS there was a change of plans at which point they would be given that change by the school office.  Life being what it is, plans changed, I called the school and they came home.  Later that week the same scenario needed to repeat itself.  I wasn't home and so my sister-in-law called our house and gave the change of plans to my oldest daughter, the boys were to go home on the bus, practice was cancelled due to rain and she was substitute teaching in the next town, she would not be home.  Big sister told the little brothers but then there was a glitch.

Older cousin stepped in.  Older cousin really wanted the boys to come over after school even though he knew his mom wasn't going to be home and practice was cancelled.  So he lied and convinced them to disregard the nagging older sister who insisted she had the truth and they gleefully followed his lead, because they wanted to.  When my sister-in-law got home there were my boys, she was not impressed.  The two of us unraveled the story post-mortem and found out what had happened.

This is, unfortunately, how we live our lives quite often.  Truth is standing there with it's hands on it's hips giving us 'that' look like an bossy older sister and along comes an attractive lie that suits far better with what our sniveling, selfish flesh would rather do.  We push off the Truth and link arms with that attractive liar and head off into our own demise.  How important it is to know the Truth, it will set us free, will lead us into right living and give us life.   If we know what's good for us we'll listen and heed the instruction, because when we stand before the throne we won't have anyone to point a finger at except ourselves.

My older sister had no intention of making my life miserable, I think.  In fact, she was pretty nice to be with most of the time.  It also wasn't her fault that she happened to be born first and had been given this responsibility.  The truth was that she was just doing what she had been told to do.  Truth is truth and there is no getting around that, it is simply being what it is - Truth and it can only be ignored to our own detriment.  Let Truth sing the song that's been given her to sing, she wants to guide you into more Truth, Life and Beauty.  Heed her instructions and you will live.

..giving thanks for the gifts of today... (1001 - 1026)

...an endless list of gratitude continues...

1001.  soup served up

1002.  loss taken in stride

1003.  quiet bedtime

1004.  voluntary hugs

1005.  cooperation on the chore front

1006. obedience

1007.  contrition on delayed obedience

1008.  no throwing today

1009.  no bullying today

1010.  homework done without a fight

1011.  encouragement given without badgering

1012.  medication taken without reminders

1013.  project completion

1014.  an invitation to play

1015.  all the vegetables in their cozy dirt beds

1016.  most of the bedding plants into the planters

1017.  anticipation for a few days of dancing with fabric,

1018.  and learning something new and

1019.  coming home with beauty

1020.  and I won't be cooking

1021.  a small smile in the midst of exhaustion

1022.  the opportunity to sleep in peace

1023.  next to one I love

1024.  honeybees

1025.  apple blossoms

1026.  quiet

Flowers and Gifts

Is it possible to simply break?
Once your heart has been shattered by a hundred tiny instances does one's body follow suit?
I sat and read about Eucharisteo today, grace in thanksgiving.  I finally bought Ann's book.  I have to admit I was scared to buy it...I'm tired of reading books that tell me I'm not doing things right.   I'm not much of a crowd-follower and the book is gaining quite a crowd.  But I feel like I've 'known' Ann for a long time, I've followed her blog, Holy Experience, for many years already.  I've watched her list of 1000 gifts grow, and I grew my own alongside hers.  Her book is the story of how she got there and the change it made in her.  I have to admit I was a little jealous.  She spins out words and they are poetry and go soul-deep...sitting in me.  Wrecking me.  Wishing, that my gift was a little more like hers. 
I, too, write words, not like hers.  They are my story.  My mess.  I wasn't sure I wanted to hear what she had to say.
She has a mess, too.  Like me;, farmer, Canadian, six kids, homeschool.  The same but different.  The struggles strain us, test us, push us.  The same but different.
Would her words help me in my mess or make the mess feel like so much more.
Today the mess took me by surprise.  I'm not sure why, it's been here for so long, but when there's been a little reprieve my flesh forgets the pain for awhile and when it comes back to hurl itself at me it hurts a little more than before.
I read to my little boys behind a locked door and we listen to the sound of missiles against the wall and pretend it isn't there.  The crashing of frustration and restlessness, trying to re-create the trauma that is more familiar to only him.  Our spirits don't know what to do with it because we don't understand it and can't.  The rest of us were loved and nurtured when it was most critical, we trust, we relate and he just isn't able and it wounds us to the very core.
Later we try to play a game together but he doesn't understand that there is winning and losing and you have to accept the losses with the gains and the frustration is back and we must stop.
So I sat in my mess and read Ann's words of learning to give thanks in the mess.  Reading the road to joy and peace begins with thanksgiving, like Jesus did on the night he was betrayed - he took the bread, the ordinary bread of everyday and gave thanks, Eucharisteo, and then he went and died for me.  There is healing in thanksgiving, I remember it from when 'fresh flowers' - the little pieces of heaven that came just for me - arrived on a regular basis...I looked for them but I haven't for a long time.  My eyes yearn to re-awaken to wonder but despair looms large and I'm not sure I have the will to push it away.  But I begin to feel the first sprouting of understanding.  Under the dirt the seeds I planted are beginning to unfurl, perhaps hope has a chance in me yet.  So I will begin again to count the gifts of grace in the mundane, everydayness of my life.  Bits and peaces of grace that when swept together will help me taste joy.  Perhaps if I look for flowers they will bloom again.
Last week Abby and I discovered a lovely store called The Paper Umbrella.  For one who loves writing and blank paper and beauty this store was a bit of soul-candy.  We lingered for a while, relishing the sights and smells of journals ready for thoughts, ideas and sketches.  I ran my fingers over lovely parchment and breathed in leather and sealing wax.  I limited myself to only a small notebook that spoke to me of an earlier, less complicated time.  It was somehow appropriate after just finishing Pride and Prejudice.  Perhaps I will begin a new list in it's pages, another 1000 gifts that Someone who loves will help me see

maybe I'll write flowers again...

Help, I'm a project Junkie!

Hello, my name is Lani and I'm a project junkie.  I'm beginning to think I need someone to save me from myself.  Seriously!  We are thrifty people, DIY-ers mostly because we've had to be.  We're pretty handy and mostly we've been able to accomplish our projects with satisfaction.  We've done renno's, upholstered, changed things, planned, dreamed and made it happen.  Unfortunately there's this little thing called life that keeps getting in the way of the fun projects that we want to do and makes us do boring projects that we HAVE to do, like bookkeeping and taxes.

I absolutely love a good project, give me a great topic to speak on and I will do hours of research to get it done.  Give me beautiful fabrics and I'll whip up something amazing and useful.  Give me a can of paint and I'll brighten up a room.  Yup, I love, love, love bringing out the beauty in things and putting it all around me, but right now I'm a little overwhelmed with all our dreams and plans.  They're good and we'll get there eventually, I'm just afraid I might be too tired or old to enjoy it!

Because of the lifestyle we want for ourselves and our kids (living off our land)we are preparing for livestock.  We were given an old chicken barn that we moved to our yard and are slowly but surely getting it ready to bring in our livestock - goats, cows, pigs and chickens.  This also involves fencing, trenching, rock-picking, etc.

Our house is in need of some tender loving care so I'm in the process of painting our basement and eventually the kitchen, hallways, doors and trim.  While doing the basement we decided it would be much less expensive to re-upholster the couches we have downstairs than to buy new ones (which we don't have the money for anyway).  I've got the fabric (at an excellent bargain I might add) and now it sits there staring at me, begging me to make my sad old couches look beautiful again (again - cause we've done this before).

Also on my sewing table is a quilt that was supposed to be done for my son's 12th birthday that still needs binding, he just asked me if it would ever get finished (his 13th birthday is in 3 months).  His little sister's quilt is still on the quilt rack waiting for me to finish tying and hand-quilting - it's been on there for almost a year, too!  I probably shouldn't mention that I have another 12th birthday quilt that needs to be done for next April that I haven't started yet.

Then I have this boy that's really hard to fit.  He needs PJ pants, so I picked up inexpensive fabric to make him some - way cheaper and better quality than store bought.  But I still have to actually do it.   Sitting next to that is a beautiful old doll that someone asked me to make clothes for, she still needs three more outfits.

MEANWHILE - the whole out of door business awaits - huge, gigantor gardens to be planted and tended, flower beds to fight with and we're not quite done seeding yet so my dear husband is mostly unavailable.

AND THEN - all the regular stuff has to keep happening.  You know, little things like laundry, cooking, baking, cleaning, ball practices and games, Sunday school, youth group and did I mention I have 6 kids?  We've got homeschool reports to finish up, piano recital and worship team practice to fit in.  Counselling trips to the city and helping out my parents as much as we can.

I absolutely will not mention that the kitchen, hallways, doors and trim on the main floor are quite in need of paint as is the bathroom - which I have the paint for...it just needs to be done.  And I won't tell you that when I cleaned my sewing area the other day I put together 4 beautiful little piles of fabric that are just begging to be made into quilts, or my 'new-to-me' serger that isn't out of the box yet that needs to get used on a bunch of mending that's waiting right next to the ironing.

Too many projects and not enough of me.  All the projects I don't like (like gardening and pretty much most things outside) keep pressing in on me and I have to shove off the projects I would love to do...like making all those quilts!

How to manage it all and not go crazy or just drop over from exhaustion, I haven't quite figured out...maybe someday, in the meantime  maybe I'll work on that book I started awhile ago...

Thankfulness in the Storm

I have to remind myself to post the good stuff, too.  If you go back through my archives you'll find my journey of 1000 gifts, little bits of grace given by the Father.  If you want to learn more about a life of thankfulness head over to Holy Experience and start your journey.  Today she has an amazing post on what it takes to be a mother, not perfection, just humility and the willingness to work at relationships.  How I needed to hear that today.

It's been a relatively calm week.  In fact with only one major blow up in the last 6 weeks or so, it's almost felt like hope can rise.  We're pretty sure some of our son's issues are seasonal but we don't have a firm diagnosis of that, we know winter is always bad.  The other behaviours continue but an explosion free zone has been nice.  I'm even painting the basement, filling in all the holes, covering the wreckage with the grace of paint and plaster.  Hoping, hoping that we won't have to fill in a hole for a very long time.  We used plywood to make the walls of the new bedroom in hopes that it will be harder to break.

Last week I took J and C to the city for an appointment.  It turned out to be an excellent day.  We managed to keep the jealousy monster in check, he managed to bend with changes of plans and expressed gratitude continually throughout the day.

Pieces of grace that are needed to continue to mend my fragile, broken heart...

- thankful that we were able to get where we needed to be at the right times despite all the driving around NOT finding where we wanted to go

- thankful for a son who wants to kill in an hour in the library instead of at an arcade

- thankful for my kids in general

- the gift of crocuses on the hillside, not just one or two, but hundreds!

- teaparties with big brothers and little sisters

- seeders in the field, sowing hope for abundance

-friends who come to visit

- hugs

- understanding

- godly young men

- my new kitchen table

- watching my daughter sew a quilt

- piles of fabric waiting to be sewn

- projects that work

- when a space becomes yours