..giving thanks for the gifts of today... (1001 - 1026)

...an endless list of gratitude continues...

1001.  soup served up

1002.  loss taken in stride

1003.  quiet bedtime

1004.  voluntary hugs

1005.  cooperation on the chore front

1006. obedience

1007.  contrition on delayed obedience

1008.  no throwing today

1009.  no bullying today

1010.  homework done without a fight

1011.  encouragement given without badgering

1012.  medication taken without reminders

1013.  project completion

1014.  an invitation to play

1015.  all the vegetables in their cozy dirt beds

1016.  most of the bedding plants into the planters

1017.  anticipation for a few days of dancing with fabric,

1018.  and learning something new and

1019.  coming home with beauty

1020.  and I won't be cooking

1021.  a small smile in the midst of exhaustion

1022.  the opportunity to sleep in peace

1023.  next to one I love

1024.  honeybees

1025.  apple blossoms

1026.  quiet

Flowers and Gifts

Is it possible to simply break?
Once your heart has been shattered by a hundred tiny instances does one's body follow suit?
I sat and read about Eucharisteo today, grace in thanksgiving.  I finally bought Ann's book.  I have to admit I was scared to buy it...I'm tired of reading books that tell me I'm not doing things right.   I'm not much of a crowd-follower and the book is gaining quite a crowd.  But I feel like I've 'known' Ann for a long time, I've followed her blog, Holy Experience, for many years already.  I've watched her list of 1000 gifts grow, and I grew my own alongside hers.  Her book is the story of how she got there and the change it made in her.  I have to admit I was a little jealous.  She spins out words and they are poetry and go soul-deep...sitting in me.  Wrecking me.  Wishing, that my gift was a little more like hers. 
I, too, write words, not like hers.  They are my story.  My mess.  I wasn't sure I wanted to hear what she had to say.
She has a mess, too.  Like me;, farmer, Canadian, six kids, homeschool.  The same but different.  The struggles strain us, test us, push us.  The same but different.
Would her words help me in my mess or make the mess feel like so much more.
Today the mess took me by surprise.  I'm not sure why, it's been here for so long, but when there's been a little reprieve my flesh forgets the pain for awhile and when it comes back to hurl itself at me it hurts a little more than before.
I read to my little boys behind a locked door and we listen to the sound of missiles against the wall and pretend it isn't there.  The crashing of frustration and restlessness, trying to re-create the trauma that is more familiar to only him.  Our spirits don't know what to do with it because we don't understand it and can't.  The rest of us were loved and nurtured when it was most critical, we trust, we relate and he just isn't able and it wounds us to the very core.
Later we try to play a game together but he doesn't understand that there is winning and losing and you have to accept the losses with the gains and the frustration is back and we must stop.
So I sat in my mess and read Ann's words of learning to give thanks in the mess.  Reading the road to joy and peace begins with thanksgiving, like Jesus did on the night he was betrayed - he took the bread, the ordinary bread of everyday and gave thanks, Eucharisteo, and then he went and died for me.  There is healing in thanksgiving, I remember it from when 'fresh flowers' - the little pieces of heaven that came just for me - arrived on a regular basis...I looked for them but I haven't for a long time.  My eyes yearn to re-awaken to wonder but despair looms large and I'm not sure I have the will to push it away.  But I begin to feel the first sprouting of understanding.  Under the dirt the seeds I planted are beginning to unfurl, perhaps hope has a chance in me yet.  So I will begin again to count the gifts of grace in the mundane, everydayness of my life.  Bits and peaces of grace that when swept together will help me taste joy.  Perhaps if I look for flowers they will bloom again.
Last week Abby and I discovered a lovely store called The Paper Umbrella.  For one who loves writing and blank paper and beauty this store was a bit of soul-candy.  We lingered for a while, relishing the sights and smells of journals ready for thoughts, ideas and sketches.  I ran my fingers over lovely parchment and breathed in leather and sealing wax.  I limited myself to only a small notebook that spoke to me of an earlier, less complicated time.  It was somehow appropriate after just finishing Pride and Prejudice.  Perhaps I will begin a new list in it's pages, another 1000 gifts that Someone who loves will help me see

maybe I'll write flowers again...

Help, I'm a project Junkie!

Hello, my name is Lani and I'm a project junkie.  I'm beginning to think I need someone to save me from myself.  Seriously!  We are thrifty people, DIY-ers mostly because we've had to be.  We're pretty handy and mostly we've been able to accomplish our projects with satisfaction.  We've done renno's, upholstered, changed things, planned, dreamed and made it happen.  Unfortunately there's this little thing called life that keeps getting in the way of the fun projects that we want to do and makes us do boring projects that we HAVE to do, like bookkeeping and taxes.

I absolutely love a good project, give me a great topic to speak on and I will do hours of research to get it done.  Give me beautiful fabrics and I'll whip up something amazing and useful.  Give me a can of paint and I'll brighten up a room.  Yup, I love, love, love bringing out the beauty in things and putting it all around me, but right now I'm a little overwhelmed with all our dreams and plans.  They're good and we'll get there eventually, I'm just afraid I might be too tired or old to enjoy it!

Because of the lifestyle we want for ourselves and our kids (living off our land)we are preparing for livestock.  We were given an old chicken barn that we moved to our yard and are slowly but surely getting it ready to bring in our livestock - goats, cows, pigs and chickens.  This also involves fencing, trenching, rock-picking, etc.

Our house is in need of some tender loving care so I'm in the process of painting our basement and eventually the kitchen, hallways, doors and trim.  While doing the basement we decided it would be much less expensive to re-upholster the couches we have downstairs than to buy new ones (which we don't have the money for anyway).  I've got the fabric (at an excellent bargain I might add) and now it sits there staring at me, begging me to make my sad old couches look beautiful again (again - cause we've done this before).

Also on my sewing table is a quilt that was supposed to be done for my son's 12th birthday that still needs binding, he just asked me if it would ever get finished (his 13th birthday is in 3 months).  His little sister's quilt is still on the quilt rack waiting for me to finish tying and hand-quilting - it's been on there for almost a year, too!  I probably shouldn't mention that I have another 12th birthday quilt that needs to be done for next April that I haven't started yet.

Then I have this boy that's really hard to fit.  He needs PJ pants, so I picked up inexpensive fabric to make him some - way cheaper and better quality than store bought.  But I still have to actually do it.   Sitting next to that is a beautiful old doll that someone asked me to make clothes for, she still needs three more outfits.

MEANWHILE - the whole out of door business awaits - huge, gigantor gardens to be planted and tended, flower beds to fight with and we're not quite done seeding yet so my dear husband is mostly unavailable.

AND THEN - all the regular stuff has to keep happening.  You know, little things like laundry, cooking, baking, cleaning, ball practices and games, Sunday school, youth group and did I mention I have 6 kids?  We've got homeschool reports to finish up, piano recital and worship team practice to fit in.  Counselling trips to the city and helping out my parents as much as we can.

I absolutely will not mention that the kitchen, hallways, doors and trim on the main floor are quite in need of paint as is the bathroom - which I have the paint for...it just needs to be done.  And I won't tell you that when I cleaned my sewing area the other day I put together 4 beautiful little piles of fabric that are just begging to be made into quilts, or my 'new-to-me' serger that isn't out of the box yet that needs to get used on a bunch of mending that's waiting right next to the ironing.

Too many projects and not enough of me.  All the projects I don't like (like gardening and pretty much most things outside) keep pressing in on me and I have to shove off the projects I would love to do...like making all those quilts!

How to manage it all and not go crazy or just drop over from exhaustion, I haven't quite figured out...maybe someday, in the meantime  maybe I'll work on that book I started awhile ago...

Thankfulness in the Storm

I have to remind myself to post the good stuff, too.  If you go back through my archives you'll find my journey of 1000 gifts, little bits of grace given by the Father.  If you want to learn more about a life of thankfulness head over to Holy Experience and start your journey.  Today she has an amazing post on what it takes to be a mother, not perfection, just humility and the willingness to work at relationships.  How I needed to hear that today.

It's been a relatively calm week.  In fact with only one major blow up in the last 6 weeks or so, it's almost felt like hope can rise.  We're pretty sure some of our son's issues are seasonal but we don't have a firm diagnosis of that, we know winter is always bad.  The other behaviours continue but an explosion free zone has been nice.  I'm even painting the basement, filling in all the holes, covering the wreckage with the grace of paint and plaster.  Hoping, hoping that we won't have to fill in a hole for a very long time.  We used plywood to make the walls of the new bedroom in hopes that it will be harder to break.

Last week I took J and C to the city for an appointment.  It turned out to be an excellent day.  We managed to keep the jealousy monster in check, he managed to bend with changes of plans and expressed gratitude continually throughout the day.

Pieces of grace that are needed to continue to mend my fragile, broken heart...

- thankful that we were able to get where we needed to be at the right times despite all the driving around NOT finding where we wanted to go

- thankful for a son who wants to kill in an hour in the library instead of at an arcade

- thankful for my kids in general

- the gift of crocuses on the hillside, not just one or two, but hundreds!

- teaparties with big brothers and little sisters

- seeders in the field, sowing hope for abundance

-friends who come to visit

- hugs

- understanding

- godly young men

- my new kitchen table

- watching my daughter sew a quilt

- piles of fabric waiting to be sewn

- projects that work

- when a space becomes yours

Re-entry and Bonding

Yesterday was re-entry day.  C had been at a friend's house for a few days and we enjoyed some blessed 'normalness'.  The friends drove him home and picked up their kids had lunch and then headed off again.  He was happy and energetic until the moment they left and then crashed...hard.  Everything was horrible, nothing was fun, he was bored, his brothers are idiots, blah, blah, blah....So my stress level went up a notch or two, a few things went flying, not much fortunately because he is on a mission to have 365 days without a major explosion.  If he accomplishes this seemingly impossible task he will win himself an Ipad.  It might take till he graduates, but he's determined, at the moment.

Our counsellors from our parenting class (Parenting Out of Control Teens) helped us come up with a reward system.  We supply little rewards (badminton birdies, beef jerky, chocolate, gum, etc.)  and he supplies the necessary behaviour.  He evaluates himself and then is allowed to reward himself for not exploding when he thinks he's done a good job of the day.  So far we're only applying it to the huge, destructive explosions not all the picky nit-picking, etc.  But hey, a few less holes in the walls are a good thing!  Only one really big explosion since we started this - 6 weeks ago.  That, my friends is progress!

We had a good bonding time over a flooding cistern.  I walked by the furnace/cistern room and heard the sound of running water, I shouldn't hear that sound there!  C happened to be close by so I rushed in and started the bucket brigade to keep the rug from getting flooded.  A and J came down and helped, too and the four of us averted the impending disaster.  Then we watched the extended version of Fellowship of the Ring.  C fell asleep leaning on one side and A on the other, love moments like that!

Had some good moments today getting ready for A's birthday party.  The whole eating healthy and exercising thing has gone totally out the window this week along with all vestiges of routine.  What can I say, I'm gonna say no to chocolate fondue?  Hardly.  Solid chocolate bunnies?  We are doing emotional eating and I figure if I'm fully aware of what I'm doing it's okay...I think!  So chocolate spa party here we come.  Fortunately the baseball coach called a practice/wiener roast for this evening, so, yay, C, S7 and S8 are all out of the house for most of the evening.  The girls should like that.  Thank you Mr. Jones!

A New Focus

It's Monday morning and most of the kiddos are at home on their Easter break.  We have a few extra friends around as well. So it's a little crazy with all the bodies but not stressful 'cause my most stressful kid isn't here at the moment, he's at a friends' house and we're enjoying the peace that brings.

Shocking?  Well, if you lived with us every day you wouldn't be shocked.  Life in our house isn't very typical by any standard.  about 12 and a half years ago we met this sweet little fellow that my mom and dad were fostering.  A few months later they all moved in with us and his care transferred to us.  Then a several months after that he got moved out into a 'permanent' home.  Seven months after that his permanent home called us and said it wasn't working so we hopped in our van and went and picked him up.  He's been with us ever since and our lives have never been the same.

I had this ideal dream of perfect children, a perfect home, a perfect life where everything made sense and went according to my plan.  Surprisingly enough, since I'm not God, He decided we needed to shake things up a bit, my perfect picture is in a thousand pieces all over my floor!!

So here we are with six kids, a farm, 4 dogs and anticipating 9 more animals.  I'm pretty sure we're nuts.  That sweet little fellow came back as a mad little bantam rooster, and has been mad ever since!  He's been tested and poked and prodded and slapped with labels of every kind.  We've only figured out in the last few months that what we're most likely dealing with is attachment disorder.  While we don't have an official diagnosis all our research and unofficial diagnosis' confirm what we've been scratching our heads over all this time.  While it doesn't make life easier, at least we know what we're dealing with...finally!

Unfortunately it makes other people rather uncomfortable.  Most of my weeks are really stressful and I'm just trying to keep my nose above water while we patch up holes and clean up all the stuff that's been thrown around the house (we figure he's so good at baseball because of all the practice he gets hurling my stuff all over! :))  We deal with emotional aftermath of toxic volcanic verbage every day.  And, unless you live with it you can't possibly understand it...sorry, you just can't.

In an effort to help others understand what we deal with and hopefully further my own healing (I don't talk about this much), I'm going to start talking here about our life, the ups, downs and ins and outs of living with a bunch of kids, a farm, a pastor, one crazy mom and a God who loves  us all and dealing with attachment disorder, etc.  Sorry, it may be a bumpy ride.

Today's Smiles

Things that made me smile and give thanks today....
- a teaparty with my little girl (she set it all up)
- the 14 year old brother who joined our tea party and played along
- classical music playing all morning
- the 14 year old boy who fond a channel and kept it going
- listening to my 5 year old girl practicing Air from Haydn's surprise symphony
- sewing with the 14 year old, helping him make 'priestly garments' for his school project
- teaching the 5 year old to sew
- a yummy spinach/tuna salad for lunch
- clean laundry
- sunshine
(it's only 1 PM, there may be more smiles later)

Family Day

Today our whole family was home together without any extras, we didn't have any meetings or appointments, just us....all together...in one place...for a whole day.  You don't realize how rarely that happens until it is suddenly upon you and it feels strange.  Yesterday we had huge expectations for today, we were going to get a ridiculous amount of work done around the yard and in the house.  We realized that was probably stupid and lowered those expectations considerably.
And the whole thing went not too bad considering we have eight very different personalities, one very explosive child who hates to work and the age range that we're working with. 
Inside:
-the kitchen floor finally is free of wax drippings and honey spots
-kitchen counters are free of honey-processing stuff
-basement is ready for wall-sanding (if we can find the sander)
-you can see the laundry room floor
-winter boots are boxed up for the year (found 3 pairs of boots I've never seen before!)
-made pizza for lunch and cleaned up the mess

Outside:
-a lot of dog poop got picked up
-the truck is loaded and ready for the dump whenever it re-opens (too wet at the moment)
-lots of garbage and debris picked up from the melting snow
-cement pad is scraped off
-recycling got taken in
garage is clean and swept

To celebrate our success we had ice-cream sundaes and then headed off to see a wild menagerie of miniature and exotic animals, some of which we are interested in purchasing for our farm.  The kids totally enjoyed all the interesting and odd animals we saw including pot-bellied pigs, fainting goats, an emu, a peacock, double horned ram, alpacas, bunnies, little ponies, donkey, miniature cows and of course lots of bunnies and cats.  We headed to A&W to celebrate our day and the fact that it is our fourth anniversary of our move to the farm.  What a lovely day, even with the rough bits, it still worked out pretty good!

In Defence of Rebecca Black (not the song, just her)

I have felt the conviction of the Lord on this one.  When I saw the video for the song, "Friday" sung by Rebecca Black I agreed with all the nay-sayers, the song is not great lyrically and the video isn't very impressive.  However, I must say I have to repent.
This little girl went about making her 13-year old dream come true - to record a song and put it on YouTube.  Her parents encouraged her, because, as parents do, they think she's amazing!  Did any of them think for one minute that millions of people would watch that video and that the majority of them would declare it a disaster.  I don't think so.  They were just doing their thing, fulfilling a dream.  And, we, as a society, shot it down in an epic way.
Am I brave enough to record the songs I've written and put them on YouTube?  Nope, so Rebecca is braver than I am.  I'm not too excited about my dreams being shot down, particularly not on such a grand scale.  I'm sure that little girl cried her eyes out all weekend.  Who am I to criticize her dream and discourage her from doing what she loves to do.  I will no longer sow judgement and rejection to Rebecca.
Here's to you Rebecca, I apologize for deriding your song and raining on your dream.  Please forgive me.  I pray that you will use this opportunity for good and that you will learn that there is more to life than partyin'.

hope for the now

I am at home alone this wintery Sunday morning.  I have been sick all week and didn't feel the need to spread my germs any further.  I have a dear friend that said, "Introspection is highly overrated!" but today I am looking inward...pondering.

Pondering how to go forward in this life we're living, where to take the next step, searching for the next word to say.  I took a course last week that filled me with hope for the future.  A future with healing and forgiveness and restoration.  But in the meantime I am living in broken things trying to survive and keep damage to a minimum.

I have conflicting responsibilities.  To one child I have the responsibility to bring healing opportunities, to look past the prickly exterior and to love unconditionally.  To other children I need to create a safe atmosphere where they are not in fear of what will happen next.  These two are difficult to reconcile.
 
We had ten days of no exploding which ended yesterday and took a piece of my hope with it.  I can hope for the future but living in the now is really, really hard.

Addendum:
As I spent time with the Lord this morning, His gentle Spirit taught me something that I need to teach my children.  It's a simple truth and one that I have known, but it came fresh today.  I was empathizing with mothers who long for a safe place for their children, whatever the circumstances may be.  As I was in the place of sorrowing over the safety of not only my children but so many others who are by no means safe a song came through the air.  It spoke of a hurting, broken person who was safe as they sat near His feet.  The safest place for me and my kids is in the arms of Jesus.  I must teach them that no matter what is going on around them, there is a place of safety.  Their body may become bruised and hurt but their spirit can be completely safe and protected.  What a beautiful promise from God this morning.

Hello, my name is Lani and I'm a Control Freak

Snow is falling outside my window today.  It's the pretty, soft, floaty kind of snow that gives you that warm, fuzzy feeling.  Particularly when you are inside your warm house in a fuzzy bathrobe! 
Last week was not a warm, fuzzy week.  I took a class in addiction relapse prevention therapy.  I learned some very interesting things.  One thing that I learned is that all of us are addicted to something.  The definition of addiction that we were using was any coping mechanism we use over and over again even when we know that it is unhealthy and/or destructive.  That definition broadens the typical definition of addiction far wider than just drugs and alcohol.  I spent the week struggling to figure out what my addiction really looks like, I wasn't trying to avoid it, it was just very elusive.
My particular slippery fish is control.  Apparently I have a strong desire to be in control of, well, everything, because something terrible will happen if I don't, who knew!  Everyone else around me it seems.  My dear, sweet husband actually laughed and said, "I could have told you that." as did my mother, one my dearest friends and my former pastor.  Really, people!
So here I am, trying to learn how my control freakish-ness not only has affected me but all of my relationships as well.  I am seeing with new eyes where it had it's origins and how it has been steering my course ever since.  That twisted little robber worms it's way into every aspect of my life and I hate it.  I can see it now that I've called it out and I believe there may be a smoking gun in my future.  But I have a long way to go.
In the meantime, I'm going to let the peace of Christ rule in my heart and mind and just like that lovely bit of white fluffy stuff is covering up piles of dog poop and dirty old snow, God's transforming power is going to come and renew my mind, not just covering it up, but actually making it new.  I don't like the dog poop or dirty old snow in my heart, it needs to get cleaned up and that dear friends is what's happening here.

Friday Should be Fun

Alright blog friends,
Today is Friday, the beginning of the winter break and time to relax!  Actually I won't be relaxing all that much I'm taking a class during the break that promises 6-8 hours of class-time/day and 2 - 3 hours of homework every night (basically one semester of course squished into 1 week).  That should test to see if my brain still works at all!
Anyway, just wondering what you do to relax during holidays with your kids all home?  Have a great break...

Today I got to dance with a princess....

1000 gifts...continued

I have already completed a list of 1000 gifts but on this wonderful day I think it is time to continue the journey...

gifts for a Valentine's day, compiled with the help of my girls...

19 years of wedded bliss....really, I'm not kidding

6 wonderful kids

a warm home

clothing to wear

food to eat

plans and dreams

difficulties to make us stronger

cheesecake

presents

sunshine

family

rain

deep snow drifts

my little hippie girl (she's just a hippie for today)

my little sweetie who is thankful for Jesus

The Truth Project

friends

laughter

smiles

giggles

straws

pipe cleaners

new fabric!!!!!!!!!!

finding the perfect pattern

putting those last two together to make something glorious

fresh bread in the oven

summer borscht on the table (yum)

classical music

the hope of spring

butterflies

flowers

The Mother Earth Garden Planner

tea

engagements

weddings

babies

cousins

being married to my best friend for 19 years

girlfriends

not caring for one day about what a mess my house is or how much weight I need to lose

being caught up with the laundry (for 1 day)

answer keys to math questions we can't figure out

it is a gift to no longer be required to do math! :)

quilts

good books

ponytail holders

hugs

new shoes

a 7 year old hurtling through the dark to land on me and tell me he loves me

sleep

waking up without pain (didn't happen today, but when it does, it is a gift)

green smoothies

Mr. Chubbs

Ginger

Storm

Cassie (even though it's time for her to make her way to doggie heaven)

love

peace

joy

patience

pictures

to have a thankful heart is a gift in itself

music

milk

comfy chairs

15 minutes

accountability partners

money

selling lentils

cookies

pink dresses

dolls

purple dresses

green dresses

Polly Pockets

flannel boards

pianos

hair

lips

tongue

nose

eyeballs

ears

teeth that grow in your mouth every day

cheeks

fingernails and nail polish

headbands

paintings

movies that make you cry

movies that make you laugh

owies that get better

bread

buns

bracelets

earrings

necklaces

glasses

Ipad

Ipod

Seasons

A week or two ago we were at a friend's house for supper.  They have a lovely home and warm hospitality.  As we sat down to eat I noticed a series of pictures on the wall.  Each one had a tree in a different season.  My husband asked them which one represented where they were in their journey at the moment.  They decided that they were in the springtime season at the moment, not yet fully blooming but showing loads of promise, past the dark winter that they had recently experienced.
Our host made a comment that resonated in my spirit.  He said, "The season will change whether you want it to or not."  For me that is good news today.  We are living in a very dreary winter, problems are piled high and it is very cold, lonely and bleak in my spirit, yet the promise of spring remains.  This season will pass and we will enter a time of newness and budding and promise.  For now, we wait, still alive in there somewhere even though it may not look like it on the outside.
Every season has a beginning and an end.  It is glorious to feel the summer sun on your face and smell the fragrance of  flowers in bloom.  We sigh contentedly as we watch the summer flowers droop and fade, full of watermelon and lemonade.  Autumn brings a crispness to the air and it is immensely satisfying to see the harvest come in. There is beauty even in the longest of winters, branches dripping with hoarfrost, diamonds sparkling in whiteness. Then the warmth comes back and the snow gives way to mud and a glimmer of green.  I look forward to the excitement of spring again, it will come, it may be a long way off yet, but thank God, it will come.

Laundry Soap

A few people have been asking for this recipe, since it's probably easier to copy it from here than me sending out a dozen e-mails I'll post it here.  This isn't my recipe I got it off a newsletter that I receive on a regular basis.  I've been using it for a number of years with good success.  I have quite a few peeps with sensitive skin and none of us have trouble with this detergent.  I suppose if you were allergic to Ivory you could substitute a different type of pure soap.

Laundry Soap
** you'll need to save up a few empty bottles first or store it in ice cream pails!!

1 bar of Ivory soap
1/2 c Arm & Hammer Washing Soda
1/2 c Borax

1. Grate the soap
2. In a large pot (I use my canner) heat 6 cups of water and the soap over medium heat until dissolved.
3. Stir in Borax and A&H until dissolved.
4. Add 4 cups of HOT water, stir.
5. You can add essential oil or some commercial detergent to the mix if you want (sometimes I add a laundry booster)
6. Add 1 gallon + 6 cups of COLD water. stir
7. Let set without stirring for 24 hours. It will have the consistency of liquid gel. Stir (I use a whisk).

Pour into jugs with tight lids. Use 1/4 c for HE machines.

Pretty easy.

trust - round ??

I've posted before that our life with our #2 son is more than a little difficult.  We have had to make difficult decisions to ensure our family's health and safety.  We find ourselves at that point again.  How do you help someone who is desperate for help but is at a place of hopelessness?  We are exploring possibilities that no parent should ever have to.  Yet when I talk to another mom who has been making these kind of decisions longer than I have, she gave me a gentle rebuke...this life isn't guaranteed to be easy.  When Jesus said take up this cross there was a guarantee of pain. 
I'm not sure that I was prepared for this kind of pain, in fact I know I wasn't.  I've watched friends walk through horrendous things with their kids.  I watched them fold into themselves to conserve energy for the battle they were facing.  Now I find myself doing the same thing, there just isn't enough of me to give out much.  In order to survive emotions get a little numb, the brain only takes in so much, the body only puts out so much.
Would I change it?  I don't think so.  There is something to be learned from this journey that I can't learn any other way.  I pray that my trust will be strengthened.  That seems to be the theme word for this year for me.  The Lord has given me many different words over the years and perhaps there has been a trust year before, I can't remember.  Whether there was or not - I need to learn it afresh.  Trust that God can heal my son, my family, myself.  Trust that the wounds that are inflicted are going to bring about beauty of character and wisdom of soul.  Trust that we will somehow survive the ordeal and perhaps even thrive in it.

Father, I believe, help my unbelief...

revelation

Have you ever reveled in your child?
just stopped and stared
marveled at the wonder of this creation
that you are somehow just a little responsible
for

awed by the beauty
shocked that you had a part in it at all?

Hiding the Word in My Heart

I've been wanting to do this for awhile now.  In 2009 at the Pastor's Retreat we focused on memorizing the word.  The speaker was a fellow who had memorized several books of the Bible and encouraged his students and others to do the same.

In our church we are slowly memorizing 1John together...but I wanted to do something myself.  This post at Holy Experience encouraged me to start to do this thing for myself...something more than the nothing that I've been doing.  Something between me and Jesus.  I'm going to invite my children and husband to come with me on the journey.  I hope they do, and if they don't, I'm going anyway.

I'll be attempting to memorize the book of Colossians in 2011.  Just 2 verses a week.  That sounds achievable don't you think?  In her post, Ann has provided a download for all the weeks.  Today I spent putting my own little book together.  It was beauty in the making...pretty paper, ribbon and the Word...the Word becoming part of me, I look forward to see how it may change me, for surely it will.

I know it wasn't a Wednesday post, but oh well, I wanted to see if the button worked!

1000 gifts has been reached.

I was going to complete my 1000 gifts before 2010 ended, but alas, when I was near a computer, I kept forgetting to blog!  So now, it is time to finish that journey and begin a new thankful list...

I got this little gift in a newsletter I just received.  These 10 predictions are definitely gifts (976-986)

ENCOURAGING PREDICTIONS FOR 2011
Author unknown
With all the problems the world is facing, it can be unsettling to the mind. It's wonderful to know Who really is in control and that "the Word of God endures forever." ~ I Peter 1:25

Top 10  Predictions for 2011
1. The Bible will still have all the answers.
2. Prayer will still be the most powerful thing on Earth..
3. The Holy Spirit will still move.
4. God will still honor the prayers of His people.
5. There  will still be God-anointed preaching.
6. There will still be singing of praise to God.
7. God will still pour out blessings upon His people.
8. There will still be room at the Cross.
9. Jesus will still love you.
10. Jesus will still save the lost when they come to Him

Okay, only a few more to go before we're at 1000!

987.  Playing games - we've spent the last three days playing games with our friends and family,  I love games!

988.  We had 7 days in a row without an explosion from our explosive son.  That's probably worth 7 gifts, but I'll just count it as one.

989.  Our vehicle did not break down during all the driving we did in the last week.

990.  I am very thankful that they changed the days of our Christmas vacation and therefore the kids aren't going back to school until Wednesday.  They can catch up on sleep the next few days.

991.  I am thankful for encouraging friends.

992.  Friends you can laugh with are a gift.

993.  Parents who invite you over for lunch on the spur of the moment are a gift.

994.  Watching my children play piano is a gift.

995.  Well-made, Canadian products that I can give to my children are a gift.

996.  My son asking for prayer for his 95 year old great-grandma this morning was a gift I will treasure.

997.  The thoughtfulness of our friend's son toward his mother was a delight to us and to the Lord (definitely to his mother).

998.  Following the Lord's leading and that obedience becoming a blessing to someone else is a gift.

999.  The thoughtfulness of our congregation in the cards and gifts we received - gifts!

1000.  The salvation given to me by my Saviour...a gift without number

and now, the gifting can continue as this list is not limited to 1000....

Blessings in the New Year to one and all.

(it took 2 years to get 1000 things on this list)