Friday, February 10, 2012

Opening Baggage

I am feeling the need to write.  There have been a few things percolating in my spirit and I think I need to set them down so that perhaps they'll make sense and I'll see what God is trying to teach me and perhaps, dear readers, you'll learn something, too.

Yesterday a dear friend posted an interesting status on her facebook account.  She asked us to seriously and honestly consider whether we believe that we are fantastic and blessed.  Since I am in a bit of a cloud lately I had to respond that I didn't feel that I am particularly fantastic, though I do believe I am blessed each and every day.

A few days before that I was looking at a new website that a young friend of mine is constructing to feature her photography.  I have to admit that my first response was, "She thinks she can do that, too?"  She is a very multi-talented young lady and has already achieved much in other artistic endeavours.  The Lord immediately made me realize that, of course she can do that, too.  My response was, "Why, why does she believe she can do it."  His response, "No one has told her that she can't, so she believes and pushes forward."  A brave, young, talented girl who believes she can do whatever she puts her hand to.  Refreshing.

These last few months have been difficult ones because I have been nagged with continual fatigue and a little cloud that follows me around.  I've been finding it hard to motivate myself to get out of bed every morning, to get done the things I need to do and as I get more behind on projects that need my attention I feel worse and worse about myself.  I look at what other people are achieving and my little cloud grows bigger.

Now put all those things together and I can see a little of what's going on in my head, heart and body.
1.  I'm over 40 and things aren't working quite the way they used to...apparently one's hormones get pretty crazy after 40...thought I did all that in adolescence now I get to go for round 2!
2.  My worth is not based on what I can accomplish - I am fantastic simply because God thinks so, He could care less whether I can fold a basket of laundry in less than 5 minutes.
3.  I need to learn how to believe in my abilities so that I will risk putting myself out where people might run into me.  You see, I would really love to go a conference this fall that is for women bloggers/writers.  My dear husband prayed about it and felt that the Lord said I could go but that the money for the conference should come from those who support your writing.  That scared the liver out of me, I pretty much gave up going right there.  I don't write consistently on here - probably because I'm right-brained and I have a hard time sticking to a schedule! :) I would have to believe that people want to read what I write...and yeah, I'd have to write...consistently, trusting that God would draw people to read here.  Facebook took a bite out of us bloggers.  Who wants to read a whole paragraph when you can read just a few words to find out how people are, and who has time?

Anyways, I think the Lord is trying to rid me of a bit of baggage and what-not.  That's all for today.



Marcy said...

I wonder too, Lani, if it's b/c you are also not homeschooling. Suddenly there are a whole lot more hours that you aren't doing what you used to do (although I am sure your hours are filled nontheless) and finding purpose and fulfillment where you are now is quite a transition. I am sure God is working in your heart and through you to become even more of what he sees your potential to be. You are an amazingly created woman. If I started comparing myself (ok, I already do - lol) I would definitely come up short in every area. Some people just are able to accomplish so much, visibly. What I accomplish, perhaps, will be more of the eternal and in not as large a volume as others, but I pray that God uses me anyways...despite my shortcomings.

I think it's great that your husband is supporting you in this. The conference looks VERY interesting!

Lani - the flowerlady said...

wanna come with me?