Saturday, September 22, 2007

Conflicting Thoughts

There has been much activity in my head and heart lately. Things that I ponder and wonder about. There are conflicting thoughts in my heart and I'm not altogether sure what to do with them all.

I had the opportunity to have my mother-in-law's cleaning lady come to my house while she is away. We pondered that and realized that it would probably not be a good use of our money since cleaning in our house is really an exercise in futility. I clean, most certainly, and spend much time doing it and hours, sometimes minutes, later it looks just like it did before I started. As well, 3 of my children are very capable of doing cleaning chores and sometimes they even do them without complaining. The four of us can get a lot done in short order when we work together. And then I began to think that if that lady came to babysit my kids I would pay her less for watching my children than I would for cleaning my house. My children are of much higher value to me than my house is but often I spend more time on it than I do on them. That should not be and yet the cleaning needs to happen because I do not wish to live in a sty. That is one of my conflicted thoughts. Do I spend money on someone cleaning so I can spend time with my kids, or do I spend the time training my kids to do the cleaning so we can spend that money on something else?

I've also been challenged with the use of our television lately. We don't actually watch television, we don't own a dish or subscribe to cable, we use it for DVDs and videos. However, my children usually watch a movie every day. That movie generally occurs between the end of the school day and supper time, when our house is at it's most crazy and them momma is at her lowest ebb. It tends to keep me sane. Is this a good use of their time? Some days I think it is, other days I think it isn't. We gone for months with no watching of any kind - then they gravitate toward the computer (we don't have any game cube or play station type stuff either). It is usually one or the other. Their time on the computer is also limited and yet there are times where I feel like I am a poor excuse for a mom because I have not subscribed to a higher standard.

Today I feel like I haven't taught my children a very good work ethic because they would rather be playing with their kittens than cleaning out the garden. I strive to be a good parent and many days feel like a miserable failure. I yell too much, don't spend enough time, don't teach them the right things. Amazingly enough, God seems to think that I can do this job. I am preparing to facilitate a class called A Beautiful Offering by Angela Thomas. I watched the introduction and am encouraged to see that even in that first bit she reminds us that God wants to use our ordinary lives and as we offer it to him it becomes a beautiful offering. He thinks I am beautiful, He is enthralled with me and that is difficult to wrap my head around. These are my thoughts for today.


Nin said...

hmmm.....sounds like you have been doing some major chewing on stuff lately.

I typed a big long thing....then deleted it, then I typed another big long thing, then deleted it. So, I think I'm just supposed to pray for you. Bless you, I'm praying for God to lead you the way HE wants to lead you.

Sonya said...

Hmmm, I'm hearing you!