Friday, March 04, 2011

Hello, my name is Lani and I'm a Control Freak

Snow is falling outside my window today.  It's the pretty, soft, floaty kind of snow that gives you that warm, fuzzy feeling.  Particularly when you are inside your warm house in a fuzzy bathrobe! 
Last week was not a warm, fuzzy week.  I took a class in addiction relapse prevention therapy.  I learned some very interesting things.  One thing that I learned is that all of us are addicted to something.  The definition of addiction that we were using was any coping mechanism we use over and over again even when we know that it is unhealthy and/or destructive.  That definition broadens the typical definition of addiction far wider than just drugs and alcohol.  I spent the week struggling to figure out what my addiction really looks like, I wasn't trying to avoid it, it was just very elusive.
My particular slippery fish is control.  Apparently I have a strong desire to be in control of, well, everything, because something terrible will happen if I don't, who knew!  Everyone else around me it seems.  My dear, sweet husband actually laughed and said, "I could have told you that." as did my mother, one my dearest friends and my former pastor.  Really, people!
So here I am, trying to learn how my control freakish-ness not only has affected me but all of my relationships as well.  I am seeing with new eyes where it had it's origins and how it has been steering my course ever since.  That twisted little robber worms it's way into every aspect of my life and I hate it.  I can see it now that I've called it out and I believe there may be a smoking gun in my future.  But I have a long way to go.
In the meantime, I'm going to let the peace of Christ rule in my heart and mind and just like that lovely bit of white fluffy stuff is covering up piles of dog poop and dirty old snow, God's transforming power is going to come and renew my mind, not just covering it up, but actually making it new.  I don't like the dog poop or dirty old snow in my heart, it needs to get cleaned up and that dear friends is what's happening here.

1 comment:

Marcy said...

Lani, that was beautiful and convicting all at the same time. Your openness in this is revealing my heart as well and as I ponder I pray the light of Christ will shine in the dark and dirty places of my heart. I know he forgives and that is so incredible. The older the get the more I realize just how much I need him.

Thanks for sharing your heart.