Saturday, November 03, 2012


I would like someone to order me around and tell what to do today.  Because I do not know.  I can see it all staring at me but today doubts assail and fear is trying to prevail and I am just barely keeping my nose above the water.

My farmer and I haven't been nose to nose in a few days and I wish he would come back sooner rather than later..

I knew this morning that at some point I'd be picking up pieces again and I was right.  I wish I had been wrong.  She stands confused wondering what she's done.  He's already moved on and it's her fault because she 'hates' him and he says, "I don't care!" in that hot gritty voice that says he does.

And me, I want to shake some caring in somewhere but I stand there helpless wondering if I should continue to rebuke him or go and comfort her and I do neither.  I pick up the pieces instead wishing it was as easy to suck back hurtful words as it is to suck up these broken bits of glass.

So I end up sitting and staring at the screen reading other's words instead of writing my own.  Thankful for the older brother who is following through on plans made.  Thankful for his protective presence.  Thankful for the girls, comforting each other and that the little boys are having fun at a birthday party today.

I wander through the chaos and wish again, could someone please just tell me what to do next?  My heart is full from Allume, my head is bursting and my house is screaming for attention.  Little one stands wanting someone to play with her...

Someone please tell me what to do, before I go to pieces.

1 comment:

Carol said...

Oh Lani, I'm so sorry. I am praying that God will give you and Kelly wisdom and grace to walk through all of this (and protection and grace on all your kids as well).